140+ Joan Rivers Jokes: Laughs That Last

Listen to Joan Rivers’ Jokes

Joan Rivers was a comedy trailblazer whose sharp wit and fearless humor made her a legend. Known for her quick one-liners and unapologetic style, Joan Rivers jokes continue to resonate with audiences decades after her passing. From her early days on The Tonight Show to her iconic role on Fashion Police, Rivers’ comedy was a mix of self-deprecation, social commentary, and celebrity roasts.

Her vast collection of over 70,000 jokes, meticulously filed on index cards, showcases her dedication to the craft. This blog post celebrates Joan Rivers jokes, highlighting her most memorable gags that capture her unique voice. Whether you’re a longtime fan or new to her work, these Joan Rivers jokes will leave you laughing and appreciating her lasting impact on comedy.

Funny Joan Rivers Jokes

Joan Rivers’ sharp wit and fearless humor delivered timeless laughs, poking fun at herself and Hollywood with iconic one-liners that still resonate today.

1. I was so ugly, Ripley’s sent my picture back: “We don’t believe it!”
2. My husband thought I was a horse; he bought the riding story.
3. I’m so flat, I marked my chest: “You are here.”
4. My sex life’s so bad, my G-spot’s a historical landmark.
5. I told my mother-in-law, “My house is yours.” She said, “Get off my property!”
6. Lindsay Lohan loves oaths; she thought it was a Norwegian ski instructor.
7. I’ve had so much plastic surgery, I’ll be donated to Tupperware.
8. My mother said, “Where are you from?” Gave me a fake Cleveland address.
9. I hate housework; beds made, dishes done, six months later, start again.
10. My grandmother buried three husbands; two were just napping.
11. I’m dating fossils now; one gave me a hickey, left his teeth.
12. Money’s not happiness, but with enough, you can make a key.
13. I was an unwanted baby; bath toys were a toaster and radio.
14. My routines are therapy; audiences help me laugh through unhappiness.
15. No sex appeal; my husband’s toss and turn made our kid.

Joan Rivers Jokes and Puns

Joan Rivers’ comedy blended clever puns and biting humor, targeting celebrities and herself, leaving a legacy of sharp, unforgettable Joan Rivers jokes.

1. My face’s so plastic, it’s a Tupperware heirloom waiting to happen.
2. Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayo on her aspirin.
3. My sex life’s bunk; we slept stacked for three years.
4. I’m so old, my candles cost more than the cake.
5. Bo Derek passed on Helen Keller; couldn’t recall the lines.
6. My vagina’s like Newark; men know it’s there, avoid visiting.
7. I’m no cook; I spray Pledge for lemon on chicken.
8. Joan Rivers jokes sting; my mirror’s my harshest critic daily.
9. My bra at a nude beach clubbed two baby seals.
10. I’m an outsider; my circle’s a dot, not a ring.
11. Age-appropriate clothes? For me, that’s a shroud, not Chanel.

Joan Rivers Puns

Joan Rivers’ puns were quick, cheeky, and daring, blending wordplay with her signature edge to create iconic Joan Rivers jokes that endure.

1. My face’s so tight, it’s practically a Botox monument.
2. Elizabeth Taylor’s weight? Her scale said, “Come back alone.”
3. My sex life’s a bunk bed; I’m always bottom.
4. I’m so old, my birthday’s a fire hazard now.
5. Joan Rivers jokes cut deep; my mirror’s my worst heckler.
6. My cooking’s so bad, Pledge doubles as lemon flavor.
7. Michael Jackson’s dog waits for plastic surgery scraps.
8. My G-spot’s a landmark; tourists visit, men don’t.
9. Taylor Swift’s knees stay closed; Melissa and I lose.
10. My bra’s a weapon; it clubbed seals at the beach.
11. I’m no chef; my kitchen’s a Pledge-scented disaster zone.
12. My husband’s ashes? Neiman Marcus gets daily visits.
13. Age-appropriate? My wardrobe’s screaming shroud, not Gucci.
14. My face’s plastic; it’s Tupperware’s next big exhibit.
15. Joan’s puns? Sharp enough to slice through Hollywood egos.

Joan Rivers Jokes One-Liners

Joan Rivers’ one-liners were razor-sharp, delivering quick laughs with bold, self-deprecating, and celebrity-skewering humor that defined her legendary comedic style.

1. I’m so ugly, Ripley’s rejected my photo: “Unbelievable!”
2. My husband bought my horseback-riding story, thank God.
3. No sex appeal; our kid came from husband’s tossing.
4. I hate housework; six months later, start over again.
5. My G-spot’s a landmark; no man’s found it.
6. Lindsay Lohan thought Oath was a ski instructor.
7. Plastic surgery? My body’s Tupperware’s next donation.
8. Unwanted baby; my bath toys were toaster, radio.
9. Mother-in-law said my house was hers; I got evicted.
10. My grandmother buried three husbands; two were napping.
11. Money’s not happiness; I’d still make a key.
12. Fossils date me; one left teeth in hickey.
13. My routines are therapy; audiences fix my unhappiness.
14. Thin people bug me; tampons make them fat?
15. Joan Rivers jokes: my mirror’s my toughest critic.

Hilarious Joan Rivers Jokes Stories

Joan Rivers’ storytelling mixed humor and shock, weaving personal and celebrity tales into hilarious, unforgettable Joan Rivers jokes that captivated audiences.

1. My husband killed himself; I took the bag off my head.
2. Told Melissa, “You ripped me to shreds, now sleep.”
3. Nude beach bra mishap; I clubbed two baby seals.
4. Michael Jackson’s dog waits for surgeon’s spare parts.
5. My funeral? Meryl Streep crying in five accents.
6. Princess Diana’s ring? I’d make it a bracelet.
7. Catholic neighborhood; I did Hail Murrays, not Marys.
8. My mother gave me a fake Cleveland address.
9. Unwanted baby; my bath toys were toaster, radio.
10. Housework’s futile; six months later, start over again.
11. My G-spot’s so lost, it’s a historic landmark.
12. Lindsay Lohan thought Oath was a ski instructor.
13. Plastic surgery? I’m Tupperware’s next big donation.
14. Fossils date me; one left teeth in hickey.
15. Joan Rivers jokes: my life’s a punchline factory.

Short Joan Rivers Jokes

Joan Rivers’ short jokes packed a punch, delivering quick, witty, and often self-deprecating humor that made her a comedy legend for decades.

1. Ripley’s rejected my photo: “We don’t believe it!”
2. Husband bought my horseback-riding story, thank God.
3. No sex appeal; kid came from husband’s tossing.
4. Housework? Six months later, start over again.
5. G-spot’s a landmark; no man’s found it.
6. Lohan thought Oath was a ski instructor.
7. Plastic surgery? I’m Tupperware’s next donation.
8. Unwanted baby; bath toys: toaster, radio.
9. Mother-in-law claimed my house; I got evicted.
10. Grandmother buried three husbands; two were napping.
11. Money’s not happiness; I’d make a key.
12. Fossils date me; one left teeth in hickey.
13. Thin people? Tampons make them fat, ugh.
14. My routines are therapy; audiences fix unhappiness.
15. Joan Rivers jokes: mirror’s my toughest critic.

Best Joan Rivers Jokes

Joan Rivers’ best jokes combined fearless wit, self-deprecation, and celebrity jabs, cementing her legacy as a comedy icon with unforgettable punchlines.

1. Ripley’s sent my photo back: “We don’t believe it!”
2. Husband bought my horseback-riding story, thank God.
3. No sex appeal; kid came from husband’s tossing.
4. Housework? Six months later, start over again.
5. My G-spot’s a landmark; men can’t find it.
6. Lohan thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
7. Plastic surgery? My body’s Tupperware’s next donation.
8. Unwanted baby; bath toys: toaster, radio.
9. Mother-in-law claimed my house; I got evicted.
10. My grandmother buried three husbands; two were napping.
11. Money’s not happiness; I’d make a key.
12. Fossils date me; one left teeth in hickey.
13. Thin people? Tampons make them fat, ugh.
14. My routines are therapy; audiences fix unhappiness.
15. I’m so flat, my chest says, “You are here.”

Joan Rivers Fat Jokes

Joan Rivers’ fat jokes, often aimed at herself and stars like Elizabeth Taylor, were bold, controversial, and packed with her signature biting humor.

1. Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayo on aspirin.
2. Liz’s scale said, “Come back when you’re alone.”
3. Taylor’s got more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
4. Her dress model? The Hindenburg, not Chanel.
5. Liz’s blood type? Ragu, not A-positive.
6. I was so fat, I needed mayo for aspirin too.
7. My childhood? Chubby kid, endless fat jokes.
8. Taylor’s so big, she’s my two best friends.
9. Fat kid me? Ripley’s didn’t believe my picture.
10. Liz’s favorite food? Seconds, thirds, and fourths.
11. My scale groaned; I thought it was applause.
12. Taylor’s so fat, Titanic sank under her weight.
13. I was chubby; my mirror wrote, “You are here.”
14. Liz’s weight? She’s a one-woman buffet line.
15. My fat jokes? Mirror’s my toughest crowd.

Joan Rivers Most Offensive Jokes

Joan Rivers’ most offensive jokes pushed boundaries, targeting celebrities and sensitive topics with unapologetic humor that sparked laughs and controversy alike.

1. Heidi Klum’s dress? Last hot German was at ovens.
2. Princess Diana? Fly to Paris, don’t take the tunnel.
3. Obama’s gay, Michelle’s a tranny; we all know.
4. Kristen Stewart juggled a director’s balls for fame.
5. Yoko Ono in my pool? I’d punish my dog.
6. Sarah Palin’s strong; belongs on another planet.
7. Britney Spears? White trash, destined for 7-11 coffee.
8. Michael Jackson dated 28-year-olds; found 20 kids.
9. My husband’s suicide? I took the bag off.
10. Anne Frank jokes? Keeps her memory alive, humorously.
11. Boy George? England’s queen who can’t dress.
12. Leno’s 10 p.m. slot? Puts America to sleep.
13. Marie Osmond’s so pure, Moses can’t part knees.
14. My funeral? Meryl Streep crying in five accents.
15. Joan Rivers jokes: offense is my comedy fuel.

Joan Rivers Liz Taylor Jokes

Joan Rivers’ Liz Taylor jokes were legendary, targeting her weight with sharp, relentless humor that became a hallmark of Rivers’ comedy style.

1. Liz Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayo on aspirin.
2. Her scale said, “Come back when you’re alone.”
3. Taylor’s got more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
4. Her dress model? The Hindenburg, not Dior.
5. Liz’s blood type? Ragu, not O-negative.
6. Taylor’s so big, she’s my two best friends.
7. Liz’s favorite food? Seconds, and then thirds.
8. Taylor sank Titanic; Kate Winslet was just baggage.
9. Liz’s so fat, she’s a one-woman buffet line.
10. Her weight? A blimp with violet eyes.
11. Taylor’s chins could fill a Hollywood marquee.
12. Liz stepped on scale; it screamed, “One at a time!”
13. Her diet? Mayo, gravy, and champagne galore.
14. Taylor’s so heavy, she’s a gravitational force.
15. Joan Rivers jokes: Liz was my favorite punchline.

Conclusion about Joan Rivers jokes

In conclusion, Joan Rivers’ legacy is firmly rooted in her incredible collection of Joan Rivers jokes. Her ability to find humor in the absurdities of life, from plastic surgery to family dynamics, set her apart as a comedy icon. Joan Rivers Puns remain relevant because they tackle universal themes with a bold, unfiltered perspective.

As we revisit her timeless humor, we see why she continues to inspire comedians and entertain audiences. Whether you’re laughing at her self-deprecating quips or her sharp celebrity takedowns, Joan Rivers jokes remind us of the power of laughter to connect and uplift. Her comedic genius ensures that her voice will echo through the ages, proving that great humor is truly timeless.